When I was a child I remember wanting to have 2 or 3 kids. It always was a joy to my heart to play pretend mommy with my dolls and taking care of my baby sister.
As I grew older, a shift change happened in my heart where I no longer wanted to become the sweet mom I had always saw myself becoming. The impact of my decision for not wanting kids came from my experience growing up in a broken house hold.
Although both my parents worked hard to keep us happy, they themselves fought constantly and eventually divorced each other. The decision of the divorce, really impacted my life and created doubts and fears in my heart. It wounded me deeply and nobody seemed to even care or know about the wounding of my character.
I saw my parents fighting over custody, quarreling with each other, and eventually they started to use us kids against one another other. It didn’t matter who started what, who was better, or what they might have thought really happened, the actions and words that were spoken created a deep wound in my heart. I was there physically but internally I felt invisible to the world around me.
With the way the divorce happened and all the muck in between, I thought “why would I want to bring kids into the world if this is what they could end up with.” I was bitter towards my parents and decided I was not going to have kids.
When I met my husband, we worked through a lot of fears and doubts that had taken root in my heart. We talked about why I didn’t want to become a mom and even if I was marriage “material.” This process took a long time to figure out but together we worked through pain, fears, and challenges that had built up in my heart.
What we found out was I had a butt load of issues that needed to be resolved. Here are just a few issues that made me feel I was not mommy material:
1. I was insecure about how I was raised. Through the divorce no one invested time and devotions into my identity when I needed it the most.
2. Because of all the going back and forth between parents it was very overwhelming to tell what was the truth about a situation let alone decide who was telling the truth. They may have believed what they perceived to be true but in the end it’s still a lie they told themselves to protect their emotions and feelings. This created a distrust issue in my heart.
3. I wasn’t worth the time to listen to or pay attention to. If I spoke up I was called rude, if I denied something I knew I didn’t like I was called stubborn, if I had an opinion it was quickly shut down or even called a liar. 🤥 This powered me down very quickly which left me alone in my room most of the time.
One of the most beautiful things my husband, who is called Ben by the way ;), never pressured me into having kids and always responded with unconditional love. He listened to me and helped me work through my issues. I also think he secretly knew the day would come where I would look past my hurt and become confident in myself to become a parent.
I believe that through all the constant love, prayer, and support from him I was able to become confident in becoming a mom. I believe that God gave me my husband to help me and to understand what unconditional love really is here on earth. I know now that apart of Gods plan for my life is becoming a super mom.
Fast forward a bit, when the day came that I knew I wanted kids, my heart actually leaped for joy. I knew I still had fears to work though but I knew I was not going to be my parents and my kids were not going to grow up how I did. I was at a point where I was free to forgive my parents and allow myself to take on the mommy identity, which was so scary to me years ago.
I am happy to say I am now 7 months pregnant with our first baby boy and there are so many emotions that my husband and I are going through. Despite anything that impacted myself as a kid, I know that the child that we are bringing into this world will be loved unconditionally, taken care of, and protected by arms that love him.
If your a person struggling with becoming a mom or feel guilty for the way you feel or think, I encourage you to talk to a counselor or someone you trust. We are human and its okay to feel vulnerable and insecure about the new role in your life.
Thank you for reading! ❤️