I wake up wishing I could sleep for a few more hours but I can’t because I need to make breakfast for my son. I get him all situated and then sit down to work on my blog. I start moving things around on my blog but it just isn’t looking the way I want it to. My husband comes down from upstairs and sits quietly on the couch reading his book. I don’t pay any attention to him because I am getting frustrated at the computer and myself. Then It happened: I broke. I started to cry “it’s not working” and my husband told me to step away. As I cried myself to the bathroom, I realized I was stressed out and feeling worn. It wasn’t because the blog wasn’t working but a series of events over the last few months that lead to me cracking.
When we were still expecting Oliver, my whole house hold became sick and we have continued getting sick since then. My son Jediah had the stomach flu and we all have had colds, vomiting, diarrhea or something else that I have no control over. In addition to all the sickness, when my 2nd son was born he had to spend 4 days in the NICU. After receiving concerning news after another it became stressful to deal with. Now I know that we were blessed with only 4 days but anyone who’s ever had a baby in the NICU understands the stress and importance of being there. That’s your baby and it’s hard to watch them be there. I also am realizing the importance of family and how I wish we lived next to family. In reality the closest family members to us is 9 hours away. This wouldn’t be a bad drive but we only have one car as we gave our second car to someone who really needed it. I do not regret that decision as we make it work with one car but it does make traveling far distances a challenge.
All these things have been out of my control and comfort zone. I know that these changes are challenges but these challenges are good. I know my character is growing and my mind is shifting and adjusting to the growth each day. I know this will take time and that I am still adjusting hormonally. I am thankful for the kids that I have and the husband who tells me to step back and rest when I struggle to motivate myself. I know today will be better and tomorrow will be a new day. I don’t want to waste today sulking around and am choosing to relax and be happy. I know these days don’t define me and I’m trying to not feel guilty but I realize that’s easier said than done. I know that things are shifting and it’s just a season we are in. I know it will be okay soon. It just will take a lot of God and time.