This last week I started to vlog a couple videos for YouTube. I was excited about the topics I was vlogging and how I would put the video together. But as I was vlogging, I stopped the video because an enormous wave of doubt, and childhood pain came flooding to my mind. I immediately stopped and wanted to give up and never shoot another video again. In order for me to explain what I was feeling let me give you a little back story.
When I was in middle school, I was not normal. I was picked on for the way I dressed, talked, and was made to feel inferior if I had a different idea. I shut down, stopped trying and cried a lot. What people didn’t know was I was going through a lot of personal pain. My mom is bipolar and used to have frequent manic episodes yet many people tend to judge them harshly for their actions and words. Not only that but their words and actions hurt, especially to a 10 year old little girl.
There would be times I would sit at the table having a nice chat, but then have the conversation flip in the blink of an eye to a all on abusive fight. I know now she didn’t mean what she said and there is a lot that goes into this illness but as a kid I didn’t understand. So I took the words and actions as truth. It added to my insecurities as I had no one being a positive role model in my life. Teachers would become frustrated with me and most peers became distance. To be honest, when I switched to a public school system I felt more welcomed than when I was in a private Christian school. I realize now that their actions did not match the character of God but back then I thought God hated me and was against me too. This feeling lasted up till I was 26 years old and I still struggle with it from time to time.
I felt no one liked who I was because I was not normal
So flash forward to today, I immediately began to feel there was no point to me Blogging or Try to even Vlog. That people would not like my content because I’m not “normal” or one of the popular women in my town. As lies started to pour into my head, I called out to my husband. He has never told me something to sugar coat my pain but always has implored me to learn from my past and to remember Gods truth about who I am. He’s a smart man, I know.
My identity is through God and He alone gives me purpose. It doesn’t matter what others believe, think or do to me that matters. If God has given me a clear path to follow I will follow it even if no one cares to follow along. I realize I say I will do what God wants me to do if he is in it but sometimes it’s harder to actually do. I may not like the way I feel and may want to give up if I’m not seeing the results from it but God did not say for me to quite. So I’m here to stay until God directs me another way. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you or is better than you. To find peace, you have to learn to love the person you are and the way God created you. I was reminded by a friend that God doesn’t create junk, and they are right.
Have you been bullied before? How did you handle it?
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