Silent


I am going to be really raw and vulnerable. For many years, I stopped voicing my opinion. I stopped speaking out because I felt my voice was never heard because of the major emotional and verbal abuse in my life. And more specific my child hood. I contemplated about writing this post but when I asked my very wise and sweet husband he said “well they shouldn’t have done it in the first place if they didn’t want it to be talked about.” So I’m writing this blog post. I won’t mention who but because of those people I have struggled with deep wounds. I also am not sure how to compose all of my feelings into this one blog post. But if I can just get you to understand what it was like to be silent for so long I’ll tell you. Imagine going out for a swim in ice cold water. You can’t breathe because the ice is so cold yet you are there anyway. You go underneath the waters rim. You struggle to get out but you can’t. All you have to do is get out but you can’t. It felt like I couldn’t breathe all the time and my anxiety was through the roof. I had to be “careful” on what I said to try to keep the peace. But there wasn’t any peace in me and my heart pounded every day. All I had to do was speak but I just couldn’t. All I had to do was speak but I just couldn’t. Y’all this is my voice. My God given voice and it was suppressed so their voice would “triumph.” We do not have to agree on everything in life but my voice was suppressed. Verbal and emotional abuse doesn’t receive a lot of attention because it’s wounds are hidden. When talking about verbal abuse do you dismiss it or acknowledge it?? Mine have always been dismissed until I started surrounding myself with the right people.

“Verbal abuse (also verbal attack or verbal assault) is the act of forcefully criticizing, insulting, or denouncing another person. Characterized by underlying anger and hostility, it is a destructive form of communication intended to harm the self-concept of the other person and produce negative emotions.” Wikipedia

I retracted into myself because there was no point in voicing my heart or thought. In my teenage years, there was more than one abuse taking place but the biggest one was verbal abuse. I was told many negative things as a teenager, screamed at, told I was wrong for my opinions and berated yet I have found out that what has been said and done is far from the truth of my character. There is a lot that I feel and this post will not do it justice but I thought it would be a good start. I also found out that when certain people have issues of their own they tend to paint on your canvas making people think you do look or act a certain way. Let’s just say it’s been 10 years of me being silent and I’m not silent anymore. Yet back then no one DID care if I was silent because they were to concerned with how they looked to others and how they were thought of. Regardless if the argument at that time wasn’t true of them they fought till I was beaten down.

I was made to feel wrong, that my opinion didn’t matter and that I wasn’t allowed to think for myself. Like I said before people do not have to agree on everything but you do not need to become nasty and rude when you disagree. In addition, I was taught to be passive and to allow someone to have the right away. What I mean is if someone was clearly wrong but came at me like I was in the wrong; I should say sorry, admit I’m wrong, to “save the peace.” I was told to take ownership for someone else’s faults. This is not turning the other way or turning the other cheek. This is blatant crossing boundaries and not taking responsibility for YOUR actions. This in itself is abuse and manipulation.

Years and years later, I’m speaking out now and I’m still having a hard time finding my voice. It’s a reason I do not feel I’m adequate enough to blog or do YT. I feel the tears welling in my eyes and the tension in my shoulders as I write this. What brought this post about was actually because of an encounter I had with a past bully. But this encounter wasn’t the same. It was different. I was stronger, knew my identity and didn’t allow the situation to suppress me. It grew my confidence and soul. I will not post what she said because I do not want to be petty but the last sentence was “grow up. Protect others. Wear a mask.” This made me realize the lack of compassion she had for others. This is the response I had for her and mind you in the original post I stated I was neither for nor against the mask, in addition I was talking about people who had medical or emotional issues wearing the mask:

Im sorry you have an active disease in your lungs and that you have lower breathing capacity. I’m glad that you are able to wear a mask and withstand it. However, just because you are able to do something doesn’t justify why someone else should too or that they can do something you can do. I think that if a person has an issue they could wear a shield or improvise in other ways.

Now I’m not showing this to be petty or have people explain or tell me I was wrong. I just wanted you to see the growth I have had as a human being. That I will no longer allow people to step all over me and I refuse to fight. I refuse to fight but I will gladly place a boundary up in the kindest way. I will express my thoughts and allow myself to grow with each conversation I will have. Not everyone is able to do what another can. Unfortunately, this response triggered the other person to unfriend me. I will not please all my supporters or people who come to my blog but I hope that my writing will help expand your thoughts and make you think. My blog is just that MY blog that I am sharing to the world. Sorry that my thoughts are all over the place. It’s a start to opening up and something I plan on opening up as I blog. Thanks for reading.

4 thoughts on “Silent

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