Mourning The Woman I Once Was


Have you ever thought about baby blues and what it really meant? We talk about pregnancy trimesters, and the birth story quite a bit but after baby is out and our birth story has been told people seem to forget about the fourth trimester. If your not familiar with the fourth trimester let me fill you in. It’s basically a healing period for your body, mind and soul. In addition, you sometimes get postpartum depression. It SUCKS. You just went through a difficult task of bringing a child into the world, your expelling the remains of fluids, while figuring out nursing, changing diapers, trying to maintain the house, care for the other people in the house all while taking care of an innocent new born baby. Don’t get me wrong you love that baby and that baby brings you joy. It’s just when your bringing life into the world you are saying goodbye to the person you once were. When I was newly married, I could do anything I wanted, work wherever I wanted, stay up or sleep in whenever I wanted. Travel. Eat. Sleep. Be alone. Clean. Go out with friends…go to the bathroom in peace..and so on and so forth. When you have kids doing these tasks can be challenging and they can look different. Sometimes the dreams you dream will never come about because you are pouring your heart and soul into a little baby. And while it’s 100% worth it, it doesn’t mean it’s HARD.

Jediah 💕

When I had my first baby, I had such a dramatic difficulty time with pregnancy and birth. In addition, when the baby was out I didn’t realize the baby blues would hit me so hard and turn into depression. For my first I was told to find happiness and choose to get over it. Thankfully not by Ben but by someone who should have had the understanding and the compassion in place to deal with this kind of stuff. But you can’t just get over things like that. Sometimes it’s hormonal, sometimes it’s depression that needs care and medication. Well, I tried really hard that year to be happy, and to stop feeling guilty and enjoy the time I had with my baby. But I couldn’t keep the happiness. I was sad, depressed and anxious. I cried ALL the time. I thought if I had a baby I was supposed to be joyful, happy, and okay. This is unrealistic thinking and I found myself struggling to stay happy. When I had my second I had postpartum depression severely because I had never healed properly from my first postpartum depression. But this time I wanted to deal with the issue instead of burry it. During my healing process I found out it’s okay to not be happy, or even enjoy motherhood ALL the time and it’s okay to feel sad, mad or unhappy. I think a lot of moms feel they will get scrutinized for how they feel and they shouldn’t. I also feel people get very uncomfortable with talking about emotions and are quick to try to “fix” you instead of hear you. I do not need to be fixed though. I just need an ear to listen to what I have to say. Motherhood can be lonely and mothers give so much to their kids so we value the time we spend with a person other than our husband or kids. We don’t want to spend that time being told what to do or not do, or be told we need professional help when that’s super personal to even mention.

💕 Oliver

So yes Motherhood changes you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Your attitude, values, and concerns on life change to make sure that the little one you brought into the world has a better chance than you ever had. So, the last month I have allowed myself to mourn the girl I once was and learn to embrace the woman I am now. It hasn’t been an easy road though and I’m still learning how to navigate this life. And if I’m going to be honest, I’ve had a hard time transitioning from one perspective to another. I do not get to do all the things I want to do…at all. I don’t get to travel, look nice cause let’s face it why bother, I don’t have a clean house, never sleep, never go to the bathroom alone, my mind is always stressed, or worried about my kids, I don’t get to go anywhere unless I’m with the kids, and even though the kids are here….I’m lonely. When you become a mom you think of things you never thought about and different thoughts/events can trigger your anxiety. Motherhood is a blessing that stretches you and creates a woman that doesn’t resemble anything who you were as a teen/young adult. So I’ve cried for that girl and I’ve wore black for her. I thank her for all she has done and it’s time to move on and look forward. She is loved but she also has been transformed into who I am today. I am beautiful loved and a great mom. I may not get all the desires of the world but my heart sure has been filled by two beautiful boys. I really do love being a mom and I do not regret my kids. I pour my heart and soul into them so that they will be better humans than me. Motherhood is hard and it is fantastic at the same time. I wished that I could tell you it was all sunshine and roses. I know I am extremely blessed and thankful for my family, husband and kids. It’s still hard though. I don’t know maybe this is just my story and some other moms do have it all together. But if your a mama like me please share this with someone who feels the same way so we know we aren’t alone 💕

My boys

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