The Blade In My Side


The last 2 years have been a roller coaster but have been necessary for healing to take place. In my last blog post “Keep It Shut” I mentioned briefly on not using my past as a crutch. I realized recently I could not fully heal my wounds and move forward if I was always using that as a crutch or trying to get unhealthy sympathy. The truth is the past can hurt but holding onto that hurt does not bring us life. It’s like being stabbed by someone else but instead of pulling the knife out you leave it there letting it fester and infect your whole body. It’s the same with emotional, physical, verbal, and traumatic abuse yet it’s our soul that has had boundaries broken.

These things HURT. I get it all to well in my life yet I realized if I choose to hold onto these past actions or words, I would never move forward and truly experience all God has for me. I’d stay stuck like the Israelites in the desert for 40 years…always being cared for but never getting the fruit of freedom. I’d always have a knife in my side infecting my ever action and thought. I decided that I didn’t want the rest of my 60+ years spinning circles around the past abuse. I wanted to let it go and move past it all. I decided it was time to forgive but this can be a hard decision to make. Abuse is real, emotional and difficult to deal with. Especially if a person or family member has crossed their boundaries and broken your trust.

Forgiving someone can be HARD but it’s the first place to start in healing wounds of the past. In doing so I have to acknowledge where there was hurt and have to chose to allow God to remove the knife from my side…this sometimes is a battle as I want to be angry and keep a grudge. I realize that I’m not the one who can remove the blade and that only God has the power to mend and heal. I just have to make that decision to go to the great physician to be healed. In my case, I also had to realize that I have some part to play in this too. While what happened to me in the past was traumatic, I have been using it as a crutch and have been manipulative with it. This is something I could have never realized if I wasn’t willing to move forward with forgiveness. I realize that I was holding myself in chains..pushing the knife in farther as I lived life. I forgave them and myself to “set myself free”. But I can only choose to make that step as God is the only one who can heal and help me forgive. By allowing God to remove the blade it allows me to grow stronger and continue to heal and live in peace. In addition to forgiving those who hurt me, I asked for forgiveness from those I hurt as well. Forgiveness allows you to access Gods peace and freedom. It is submitting the person who hurt you to God and trusting him with the situation.

I am almost 29 years and I am finally starting to live a life of freedom and embracing the joys and fruits that God has given me with freedom from pain and hurt. I know there will be set backs that will try to reopen the wound that was healed by Gods love and tender grace but God has an endless supply of healing, hope and grace for me. When I am tempted from this world I can know that He alone can refresh me, heal me and pull the knife from my side. Something that I never could embrace without His love and my decision to be healed. I hope that where ever you are in your healing process of abuse that you know I get it and abuse is hard but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That God can replace the places that were stolen with love beauty, peace and healing. We have to remember that pulling the knife out by ourselves will always lead to death but allowing God to heal the circumstance will always lead to life.

5 thoughts on “The Blade In My Side

  1. Yes, indeed! When we realize we need the Great Physician to help us, healing becomes possible.The process can be painful, honestly, but the rewards are great. Thanks for sharing on this, Bethany. Such an important topic! Praying all the best for you!

    Liked by 2 people

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