The question that keeps stirring my mind is “What does it mean to TRULY rest and how.” You would think it would be easy to go to bed or do something relaxing but I’m finding out rest is way more complex for me to do. Not only this but my definition of rest doesn’t always translate into what God sees as rest. I’m realizing that true rest does not come from laying down, watching TV, or doing something that creates happiness in and around myself. While these actions and things can create temporary rest and can benefit us in some ways..it isn’t what gives us consistent deep meaningful rest. True rest can only be achieved through God. He is rest. Anything that replaces Him or is valued more than him are idols.
I realize I have been trying to seek out rest in all the wrong places. I’ve been trying to “show him” I’m resting but in reality I haven’t been resting. But nothing is without void and God had been taking this time to teach me. He has given me insight about my past. I was always on the go emotionally, mentally and physically. Therefore, I was never taught how to rest in God. I was always waiting for the next “boom” the next issues, the next thing that would disturb the peace. My mind and emotions was/still in survival mode. When I do try to rest, I feel guilty for allowing myself to sit down and be still. My mind wants to be on the go 24/7, waiting for that something to happen. It’s constantly waiting for something negative to happen and constantly ready to protect itself against whatever it may seem threatening. Not only this but rest angers me and I’m not sure why. In a way though my mind is self sabotaging my need for rest.
It seems to me that a lot of my decisions have been out of survival mode or to protect my kids but God does not want me to just survive. He wants me to thrive and live in peace. However, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be healed completely. But… I was reminded in a recent conversation was: God wants my healing and completeness more than I do. He wants to see me complete. He has promised this for me and won’t give up on me. He sees the value in my life and sees my heart. He is kind and won’t push me which allows me to heal at my own rate. I also do not have to conjure up this healing or do this on my own. He will do it as long as I abide in him. I know that this year has been hard in so many ways but it possible could be one of the best years in my life because of the dramatic changes God is making in me. But don’t be fooled. Learning how to rest has been a battle. Im not afraid to expose the devil and he has been working hard to disturb my rest. He does not want me to learn how to rest in God because deeper rest means deeper Intimacy with God. I don’t know how long this healing will take or if it will ever stop…but there is one thing for sure is true…my God will never quit on me.
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returnsPhilippians 1:6