This morning at church I broke down in tears. Feeling very convicted by the Holy Spirit and comforted that it was okay to want to be better but not to desire it more than God. To not make it an idol.
Lately, Ive been on and off frustrated at God as to why he hasn’t healed me from feeling ill….yet. I’ve prayed, I’ve seemed doctors, I’ve cut out the junk and preservatives yet I’m still not healed. In a way, I’ve almost demanded that I feel better because I want to be the best for my family, kids and overall, feel gooood! I have things I want to do and dreams I desire to accomplish and I want to do them feeling good in my body.
However, God doesn’t promise us that all our problems magically disappear just because we come to Christ nor does it mean we have to feel good to live life or accomplish the dreams and desires we have. In truth, sometimes problems have become heightened in my life..especially when I’m pressing into God more. The verse God keeps reminding me of is 2 Corinthians 12:8-10:
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
To be honest, I still can not comprehend this passage and I wish someone would explain it to me in how they see it. All I know is this last year has been humbling, hard and physically challenging. This next year I want to desire God more than wanting to feel better. I want to surrender the idea that I may never feel 100% better but this is so hard for me to do because I feel like I can’t do it. I also hate feeling ill. I just hope that I can trust and lean on the Lord when the going gets tough.